Rant. More to Follow.

I'm tired. I let myself get too open, too vulnerable. They(being my two best friends) tell me that I'm too guarded. Then I let my walls down, I let someone in. And crash...boom! I'm in bed for days because I wasn't good enough to hold on to. Won't I ever be enough?

Outward I give the appearance of being so confident but I'm not. Every minute of my days are spent analyzing everything I do hoping I did things right. I've even spent the last 2 hours pouring over what I said on the phone to him....

So here I am, broken, again, I went straight to my room, got in my pj's and cried. I hate that I let myself believe that everything was going to work out. I hate that I can't just drive over and change his mind. I hate that I let my happiness get so dependent on someone other than myself. And I was happy, so happy.

I didn't care that I only got one random text from you a day. I smiled the minute I saw your name on my phone. I don't care that you barely make enough to pay rent and maybe hang out once a month. I wanted to help you find that other job and that one day a month always made me excited to see you. I don't care that you put me second to your band. I like that you're in a band, I love that you're that dedicated to your music, plus you come second to school for me, so I really don't see the issue. And if there's an issue with how I feel about you, I'm falling for you. (I was) scared as hell at first because of the whole getting my heart ripped out multiple time in the past, but with you, I feel so comfortable. And though I just made this post public for everyone in the world to see, I hope you don't read this. Because I don't want you to view me as some pathetic girl who pines over the guy she really likes. Please don't let us be over yet, because I think that this feels wrong and I think you feel that too. Mwah and such.....